My High School Sweet-tard

So my first so called "date" back in the saddle of course had an interesting twist as anyone who reads this blog may have guessed.  I got back on a dating website, refilled out my dating profile and just kind of dove right back into talking to different guys online.  I was like a drunk falling off the wagon.  I starting talking to one guy in particular.  His pictures were slightly blurry, as if he was trying to hide his face.  It made him seem somewhat mysterious, but what I could make out from the hot mess of pictures, he seemed like a pretty good looking guy who lived close to me in town and what had to say about himself seemed typical and decent.

Anyways.  After messaging this guy online, he responded with something that I did not expect.  He said he knew one of the girls in one of my pictures and that he had graduated from high school with her.  Well, since I had graduated with this chick as well, I quickly realized that this guy was from my graduating high school class and after closer inspection I realized not only who he was, but also that I did not think it could really go anywhere.  It turned out that I remembered him but he did not remember me.  Awkward, go figure.  Anyways, since I was still somewhat fresh out of a breakup and feeling lame and rejected as most girls do, I decided that maybe I should give this kid a chance.  Little did I know that this guy turned out to still be somewhat stuck in a college and high school mentality, as if he had no choice but to act obnoxious.  He had some awkward and retarded quirks that gave my the idea for his nick name, "High School Sweet-Tard."

I decided that I would go a different route with this guy since I somewhat already knew him and who he was.  I had him meet me at my usual weekend hangout and I brought my friend along, who also knew him.  I figured it would be like observing an animal in their natural habitat; observing how he would behave under normal non-date circumstances to see if he was for me.  Sounds like a good plan, right?  Wrong.  The awkwardness ensued like fat kids at an ice cream shop.  It was so unbearable at times that I had to get up and go to another table and talk to other people just to dilute the hazardous unwieldy situation.  On top of that, some of my other friends who were there to witness the fat kid ice cream shop expo still tease me about the douche bag I brought along to ruin the evening.  He was like rain on prom night; even though we had shelter from the rain, he was still able to make our hair frizz and ruin our shoes on the walk in.

So after he came in, we all tried to get along together.  The sweet-tard, my high school friend, some other friends as well, and me of course.  I could tell it was a train wreck the minute he walked in.  Since we were at a karaoke bar, he would awkwardly start singing along to songs that people got up to sing and would make strange comments about some of the people singing.  He told us about his frat boy days in college, as if we really cared about his drunken shenanigans living in a smelly run-down house with 8 other boys.  Therefore:

Rule #6: Do not brag about your drinking ability or your drunken escapades.  As a woman who wants to find someone to complete her romantically, I believe that I can speak for most when I say I do not want a man who gets out of control drunk and brags about it as if it makes him seem more impressive.  It really just makes him less attractive and immature. 

The clencher for this date was when two of my friends decided to order some food which they offered to us to finish once they had had their share.  The sweet-tard pounced on the idea of free food and ate everything left on the plate.  He quickly explained that "he was always eating and loved to eat food, blah blah blah."  Then he did the unthinkable; he took the cup of sour cream that was left on the plate, dipped his fingers in and had a chow-down session by licking the sour cream off his fingers.  Yikes.  I was so disgusted that I had to get up and go to the bathroom.  Who does that?  Who thinks that licking sour cream off their nasty, disgusting, unclean, man hands would be a good idea?  I certainly do not.  It was a train wreck that we could not look away from.  Everyone just sat and watched as he sucked on his fingers like a baby sucking their thumb and then dipped them back into the cup to gorge himself some more.  Gross.  I still can't handle thinking about it.

On top of the double-dipping sour cream sucking incident, he spilled his beer all over the table and all over my friends things.  I'm not going to lie, I'm a very clumsy person.  I have spilled my beer plenty of times.  The difference between my spilling and his spill?  I didn't make a big deal about it.  He definitely freaked out.  I know it is easy to get embarrassed, but there is no use crying over spilled beer, unless it's really expensive beer, which clearly he was not classy enough to be drinking.  I don't think sour cream goes well with expensive beer anyways.  Anyways, he definitely tried feed lame excuses to us and the waitress.  Face it dude, you spilled your cheap beer, it's not the end of the world.  It's not like you were licking sour cream off your fingers on a date ... Oh wait ... never mind ...

As a perfect end to an amazing night, he apparently had gotten kinda drunk and ended up asking my friend if I could give him a ride home while I was up singing karaoke.  All I can say is thank goodness for good friends who have your back, because my friend politely told him no and he ended up calling his brother to pick him up and he left.  At the very least, the only thing I got from this date was proof that good friends come through for you when you are in a blundering, inept, and uncoordinated situation.

Thankfully, I have not heard from him since.  But he left sticky sour cream finger prints on my dating resume that I unfortunately cannot wash away.  Gross.  Next please!

<3 Mia

Back in the Saddle Again ...

Hey readers ... Sorry it's been such a long time since I have written in a while.  As some of you may have guessed or suspected, I actually did end up meeting some and dating him for a while.  Just goes to show you that you can actually meet someone decent online and have a relationship.  The unfortunate thing about this relationship is that it did not last ... I have decided not to go into details about this relationship in this blog to protect the innocence of the man I was seeing.  However, now that I am single, I will be going on more dates and writing about them, so I hope you all are ready for some more crazy dating stories ala-Mia!  Thanks for still reading if you are still out there!

<3 Mia

The Unimpressive Obsessive

About a month ago I started to talk to a new man.  His main initiative for first contacting me was the fact that we both had an Italian heritage.  As a proud member of the Italian Valentino family, I must say that I love fellow Italians.  I guess it's something that you cannot really understand unless you are in fact Italian;  Italians always have a great sense of camaraderie and family togetherness.  Therefore, incontestably, I was slightly excited about meeting and getting to know this "nice Italian boy," as my mother would say, who had a sweet smile and kinda eyes in his profile picture.  He looked "molto bene" to me!  All I could say was "That's Amore!" 


Just like most of the men that I meet or get to know from online dating, this Italian came with some baggage that made him slightly unobtainable.  First off, he lived about 30 minutes from me, which isn't bad at all; however, he did not have a car and the only way that he ever got anywhere was by taking the metro or walking.  Let's pause for a second and think about this.  Taking the metro can be a very good thing, especially with today's go green society and everything, on the other hand, it can really be a bitch when it comes to trying to get to know someone who is not exactly right up the road from you.  Hence, considering the circumstances, in order for me to have to get to know this guy, I was going to have to drive into his city (which is quite confusing) and pick him up either at a metro stop or his home; he also did not even offer to take the metro to where I lived.  Not exactly the perfect dream date if you ask me.  I felt like everything was almost essentially backwards; I was driving far to pick him up when he should have made that effort to come get me.  Things are not supposed to happen backwards; what if Cinderella's coach turned back into a pumpkin before midnight?  The whole story would have been ruined.  I felt like I was starting off this dating experience already missing one glass slipper. 


Like any other date, I decided to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and meet up with him.  I drove over to pick him up, literally right off the street.  It was not exactly ideal because we literally met face to face for the first time in my car.  Not altogether the best introduction in the world, but I guess I had no choice.  Moving along, we drove over to a parking lot because he thought it would be a nice day to walk around the city.  Of course I did not think about the fact that we had to pay for parking, so in the back of my mind, I knew I would have to stop at a bank just in case he wasn't the kind of guy who was willing to pay for my parking.  At any rate, we walked around and talked about baseball which is my favorite sport.  I could tell right away that he was not as knowledgeable about the sport as he liked to lead on.  Therefore:

Rule #5:  Do not pretend that you know something about a subject that you really do not know anything about.  It just ends up making you look like a dumb ass tool trying to be someone you're not. 

I mean, it's great that he was trying to talk about a topic that I enjoy, but he ended up making himself look stupid and digging himself into a hole that he clearly could not climb out of.  Not impressive.  Hence the name "The Unimpressive Obsessive."  We walked around the town and walked over to look at the water for a bit, which would have been quite nice if he hadn't continued to act like he knew it all.  It was a nice day, however, it was very hot; when I could feel sweat dripping down my back I decided to suggest we grab lunch.  He took me to this Italian place not far in town.  Not going to lie, it was a nice place if I do say so myself, and it was sweet that he wanted to eat out Italian since our original attraction was our Italian heritage.  When we sat down to eat I decided to talk to him about our heritage, and it quickly became clear that he did not know anything about his heritage.  There are plenty of Italians out there who do not know a lot about their culture or where they come from and openly admit it, nonetheless, the Unimpressive Obsessive tried with all his might to act like he knew everything.  Maybe I should start calling him Mr. Know-it-all..  In my experience, most Italians usually can say they at least know a few greetings or a few bad words in Italian, however, it was very evident after I muttered a few phrases to him in Italian that he had no idea.  Yet despite being in his unknowledgeable state, he still pretended he knew!  I couldn't believe it!  Even though it was evident that I knew what I was talking about, he thought he could somehow pull the wool over my eyes.  He paid for my meal, and as I guessed, I had to stop at a bank and get money for my parking.  He did one of those little fake acts where he tried to act like he was going to pay and then had no problem backing down when I said I would.  I don't know if it's just me, but I hate when people try to act like they are such generous martyrs when it comes to paying for someone else.  The Unimpressive Obsessive acted like he would pay, backed down right away when I said I would, and then reminded me like fifty times after the fact that he would have paid and wanted to.  If you wanted to pay then you should pay, no questions asked, and if you don't want to pay, that's fine too.  But don't act like the Big Man on Campus who pays for all his ladies and then back down like a fat cop giving into temptation by walking into the doughnut shop.

I went out with the Unimpressive Obsessive once more, just to make sure that he wasn't for me.  I had to meet him at his house and as guessed we walked around for a bit.  He said he wanted to eat some healthier food so he chose this disgusting wrap place for lunch.  Go figure when it came time to pay he was out of cash.  Seriously?  At this point in the date, I had already lost both of my glass slippers and my coach was starting to smell like rotting pumpkin.  Yikes.  I later found out that he had no job and not so much money either.  Shocker.  During that date, he told me about his apparent "bad boy past," and how he had gotten kicked out of high school for being defiant towards his teachers.  He talked on and on about all these bad things that he had done in his youth and how he had gotten into verbal fights at football games and such.  I'm sorry, but I don't give a rat's ass about who you were in high school; no one ever benefits from a being stuck in high school mentality.  To top it off, no one ever stays the same as they were in high school unless they are like my Unimpressive Obsessive and think it's a surefire way to gain my attention.  Clearly, I was not impressed or obsessed with this stuck in high school wannabe bad boy not so Italian oriented guy. 

Hey Readers!

Just wanted to say hello to all of my readers wherever you may be.  Thank you so much for reading my blog, it really means a lot to know that people care enough to read about my life and how crazy it is when it comes to my online dating world.  Anyways, I would love to get some feedback from anyone so please feel free to leave a comment!  I would really appreciate some comments since I know you all are reading (I can see the stats), just don't have any comments yet.  Thanks so much! 

<3 Mia

The Crusty Creeper

Every once in a while you meet someone who just is not for you.  He turns out to be a complete one-eighty from what you're expecting.  It's like you're expecting Prince Charming and in walks Shrek.  Well of course I had one of those deploring dates, however, the weird thing is that I talked to this guy on skype before we met and somehow he did not creep me out nearly as much on skype as he did in person.  I feel bad, but this guy seriously repulsed me in person; no one has ever had that effect on me and I was incredibly thankful when the date concluded.  The Crusty Creeper was a mechanic at a car shop down the road from my house.  We lived in essentially the same area, and consequently, we did not have to worry about traveling or meeting half way.  He seemed like a decent enough guy that had a bit of a wild side; his wild side is what initially attracted me to his online profile. 

My Creeper was extremely persistent about getting together to hang out.  He actually pushed and pushed for us to go out for a while and this really turned me off.  One of my cardinal rules about online dating is that I treat all men the same way before we meet up.  This means we all must talk online and/or on the phone for a couple of weeks before convening in person.  The Creeper was not exactly happy with this arrangement, but I refused to break my rule.  We talked on skype one day and he looked like the guy in the picture.  He did not seem any different from what I expected.

Since the Creeper became somewhat pressuring about going out, I almost inconceivably ended up backing away for a while.  I was not extremely comfortable with him since he did not like the idea of waiting until I was comfortable to meet.  Nonetheless, one day he started talking to me again and he managed to convince me to go out with him.  I guess I felt bad so I agreed to meet him at the movies.  He was not happy with the fact that I refused to let him pick me up; at any rate, that is another one of my rules.  I never let a guy pick me up in his car when we go on a date.  I don't know these guys and they do not know me, so I'm not going to take a chance riding in their car.

Moving along, I met the Creeper up at a movie theater.  I pulled up next to his car and we both got out to greet each other and say hello.  All I can say is that this guy looked different than the guy on skype; he was definitely the same guy, however, he looked altered and divergent in a negative way.  First of all, his profile on the dating website stated that he was 5'9.  I'm about 5'7 or 5'8 and was at least a couple inches taller than he.  He was not only short, but he was also scrawny and almost childlike. He smelled like a combination of moth balls and saw dust, and to top it off, his teeth were grotesque and unnatural looking.  I tried to describe his teeth to a friend, and all that I could come up with was that they seemed to have a strange texture to them.  I know this sounds really judgmental, but I cannot help it!  He just made me want to run away as fast as I could without looking back.

We got into the movie and took a seat.  I was trying not to focus so much on the fact that I was sitting next to a tiny, childlike, uncouth man.  At the same time, I did not want to make him feel bad.  The last thing I wanted to do was act like I was as sickened by him as I really was; I did my best to act natural.  I was doing a pretty good job until about half way through the movie when the Creeper reached out and laid his hand in my lap in an effort to hold me hand.  What was I supposed to do?  Say no thank you?  Tell him I forgot to wash my hands the last time I was in the bathroom?  Nope.  I had no choice but to take his cold child-sized hand and try not to cry.  His hand was unsurprisingly very small; I felt like I had to be committing a crime or something since his hand resembled that of a 10 year old child.  Eeeek!

Well, I continued to try and play it cool, but I really struggling.  I could not concentrate on the movie because I was terrified to be holding this Creeper's hand; it was so incredibly awkward that I could not handle it.  Therefore, I decided that I had to take measures into my own hands.  I told the creeper that I had to go to the bathroom as an excuse to get up and take a step away from the situation.  I'm not going to lie, but as I was walking to the bathroom, I definitely thought about just getting in the car and leaving, but I could not bare the idea how terrible it would have made this guy feel.  He seemed like a somewhat nice enough guy, he just was not for me.  I knew I could not do that to him, no matter how much he provoked my upchuck reflex.  I composed myself in the bathroom, gave myself a quick pep talk in the mirror, and went back to rejoin my disgusting, dreadful, date.  When I returned to my seat, I sat down in a way that could not allow him to try and take a hold of my hand, and I finished the movie without freaking myself out.  We walked outside to the car, I gave him a horrid hug, and we went our separate ways.  Later that night, the Crusty Creeper (I threw in the crusty part since he appeared unclean), texted me and asked if he wasn't my type since I appeared uncomfortable the whole time.  Oh well, I tried really hard to not appear obviously low-minded, but I guess I failed.  I kindly told him that I did not think that it could work between us as more than friends and he went off on me.

Rule #4: Do not try and force something that is not there.  Above all, do not try and force a woman to do something that she is not comfortable with.  Moreover, do not question her reasoning for declining requests that make her nervous.

The Crusty Creeper was not accepting of the fact that I did not want more with him.  He scolded me for "not trying hard enough" and he told me that I did not give him enough of a chance.  I'm not sure what he was expecting from me, or what he wanted me to do, but after that I knew that I was done with him.  He tried to pressure me before we even went out, complained when I said I wanted to meet him at the movies, and scolded me for not trying hard enough.  What was I supposed to say?  "I'd rather go out with O.J. Simpson than you?"  I think not.  In the end, things did not conclude on the best terms for me and the Crusty Creeper, but I did feel good about my decisions in this particular situation.  I was not comfortable with how pushy and brash he was with me and therefore nipped him in the bud before I could let things become worse.  I still feel somewhat guilty for some of the things I said about him, however, sometimes there are just certain people that do not make you feel favorable and pleasant; The Crusty Creeper was definitely one of those people for me and he was definitely an unforgettable date.

<3 Mia

The Boy Who Cried Straight.

The one thing I absolutely love about dating online men is the variety of men that you can meet.  Every single online man that I ever dated has been so incredibly unique and can almost always make for engaging conversation or an interesting story.  At the same time, it would be nice to meet a normal guy who does not have strange qualities or quirks that could send me running.  I'm not asking perfection, I just want someone a little more on the normal side.  This guy did not exactly send me running, he was in fact very normal, but he did quite confuse me.

I started talking to him online just like all of the other men.  He was cute and decent sounding; he was a nice guy.  Ironically, he was somewhat in the same position that I was in my life.  We were both done with school and trying to get into that next phase of life.  Well, as most online men start out for me, we began talking on skype, we moved to conversing through video chats as well.  For some ironic reason, I could not quite tell exactly what he was like when we spoke on skype.  I know this sounds outlandish, however, the sound of his voice threw me off.  It sounded detectably strange and for some reason it did not seem to fit who I thought he was as a person.

We met at a bar near my house.  I took a seat and waited for him to come in.  As he rounded the corner to come join me in the booth that I claimed, I realized right away, before he even said hello, what the problem was.  He let out a squeal of joy and threw his arms up in the air as he approached me; the first words out of his mouth were "Oh my god!  HEEEEEEY!"  Yep, you guessed it.  This guy was as flamboyantly gay as they come; it just seemed that he did not quite know that yet.  As most girls state when they encounter a bombastic, dazzling, gay male, I absolutely loved him!  I had so much fun talking to him about life, clothes, shoes, sunglasses, etc.  You name it!  We even talked about music, especially his favorite artists, who included Lady Gaga and Katie Perry.  Yes, there was no way this guy could be straight, yet some how he believed that he was straight and even broke Rule #1 by mentioning an ex-girlfriend.  He brought up a breakup, how sensitive he was about it, and how he even cried on his mother's shoulder over it!  Wow.  He was extremely opened about his emotions and exceptionally obsessed with his outfit, hair, shoes, and such.  I felt like I had just gone on a date with Jack from Will and Grace.

Well as you can guess, I had a bunch of fun talking to him.  I figured why not hang out with him again?   After the first date, I told him that I really enjoyed his company and how I would like to hang out more, however, I made it clear that I did not want anything besides a friendship with him.  He happily agreed and suggested that we go for a walk on a trail near my house that essentially takes you through nature and wilderness.  I dressed accordingly with tennis shoes and a tank top and he wore boat shoes, a button down, and a nice pair of khaki shorts that he told were from some expensive store that I do not recall the name of.  It was the middle of the summer, it was hot, and we were essentially trucking through a trail in the woods!  Who wears nice clothes out to something like that besides a gay male obsessed with how he looks?!  Not to mention that when he picked me up, he was blaring Lady Gaga and Beyonce; he danced around at the wheel and serenaded me by doing he best to hit the high notes.  It was quite funny to watch, but yikes!  I was still baffled as to how he thought that his behavior was typical of a normal male who was striving to attract a female counterpart. 

I eventually invited him out to a friends birthday party to test my "gaydar," and see what my friends thought of him.  My friend turned to me and mouth "Oh yea, he's gay!" to me when my "not so straight shooter" told everyone that he wanted to throw a black and white party so that he could wear these awesome white jeans that he had just bought and needed wear before labor day came around.  I wanted to ask him if he was serious but sadly it seemed that he was unquestionably not trying to joke.

In the end, this boy cried straight, but I had a hard time accepting his claim.  I'm not saying that he was definitely gay or denying that he was straight.  I cannot say that he necessarily was breaking any type of dating rule in my book by coming across gay and I commend him for being so outward with who he was a person and unashamed of his personality and interests.  I still talk to him on occasion and I do still enjoy his company.  To close out, we all know the running joke referring to the poem The Perfect Man and how he ends up being gay, however, I unfortunately cannot find any way to be attracted to a man that comes across gay, even if he claims he is straight.

<3 Mia

My New York Gangster Kitten

So I have informed everyone about a couple of dates that did not go exactly as planned.  Yes, crazy dates can happen when you are online dating, but there are actually some normal, good, run-of-the-mill guys that you could meet dating online as well.  Although things obviously did not work out with this next guy I'm going to tell you about, he was very decent and respectful, among all things.

My New York Gangster Kitten.  NYGK.  Yep.  He was about 28 and finishing up his time being in the Navy.  I call him a Gangster Kitten because he was a full blooded Italian from New York.  He had that gangster sounding "mafioso" type accent that you might hear on the Jersey Shore.  Over the phone he actually sounded quite intimidating, as if he was Rocky Balboa hiking himself up for a match or Michael Corleone making a business deal; but in person he was as harmless and sweet as a kitty cat.  NYGK should have been my dream man to be honest.  He had an Italian heritage which would have made him a perfect fit for the Valentino family.  He was a big baseball fan, just like myself, he had a kind heart, and was as sweet and considerate as they come.  I think the thing that made NYGK unattractive to me was that he was too much like me. I was indispensably dating myself; I tried with all my heart to fall for him because he was characteristically prince charming; you can't make yourself love someone unfortunately.  If only I could have found the flower from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream that would have made me fall for NYGK in the way that Lysander and Demetrius fell for Helena after having the flowers' juices rubbed in their eyes.  What can I say?  I'm a romantic, and Shakespeare and kindhearted Italian men speak right to my heart.

NYGK and I met for a simple coffee date at a Starbucks about half way between us.  He was very sweet and very considerate.  He payed for my coffee, opened the door for me, and did everything right in my opinion.  He even did not bring up strange or inappropriate topics of conversation.  What a concept!  As I expected, we had the world to talk about.  Between having the same heritage, having a a comparable family with coinciding strange and unique Italian qualities, and sharing a passion for baseball, we could have written a book about crazy baseball-loving Italians.  We continued talking after the date and even went on a second date which entailed us meeting up on the shore and walking his dog on the boardwalk.  We talked for hours, he paid for my meals, and treated me with the utmost respect.  I could not have asked for more.  Well ... I take that back, I did ask for more.  I kept asking myself what was holding me back.  We went on a few more dates, movies, dinners, and such, but something didn't feel right to me.  NYGK was such a great guy but I just couldn't find it in me to harbor romantic feelings for him.  I tried so hard to fall for him but I was not anywhere close to hitting the floor; in fact, I think my feet were essentially cemented to the ground, even after NYGK confessed that he was falling for me.

Now I know that you are wondering why I decided to tell you about my dating experience with my New York Gangster Kitten.  Let's face it, I don't really have a funny or awkward anecdote to reveal in sharing this experience, however, I did come out of that experience with a better outlook on online dating.  I actually met a really decent person who was not looking to play games or, to be blunt, get in my pants.  He was a genuine good guy with a lot of potential.  We are actually still decent friends and talk occasionally here and there just to stay in touch or talk shit about the Yankees.  In the end, I not only gained insight about online dating, but I also gained an eminent companion. 

<3 Mia